I cannot begin to explain how alone I feel here. Yeah, I have a single room and it's great to not worry about a bitch roommate but I cannot deal with this constant ball in my throat every hour and crying a little every hour. Today was the first day of school... I don't know what I'm going to do for work when there isn't any strength to push myself. Today I haven't eaten anything just half a cup of tea and my stomach hurts but I'm too nervous to eat. 

Not this again. I hope that I can spend time with my friends more. I know none of my friends/ David reads this but if I could I would say: I am sorry. I am sorry for being a downer and complaining. Thank you for being there when I call, even though no one could today I am being forced to deal with it alone. I am sorry for acting like I take everything I have for granted and wanting what others have. I am sorry for comparing myself to you and others when everyones lives take different courses.

I cannot wait for change in my mind and in my environment, I need it so badly. I also need a friend I see consistently :(. 

I shouldn't care but I do. " I'd rather be with you than go to the party." Yeah? then why are you there and not here with me? 

I'm trying really hard not to get crazy, but I feel it, it's there in my chest and I'm not even in New York yet. 

David and I had the best month together and I feel like I just lost him. I haven't heard from him all day. 

Strokes are weird, I always thought they were like heart attacks. Incidentally, my heart hurts  right now not like heart burn though, I think it comes when I get upset or when I get anxiety. I hate it. 

today

 

    

  

I like these. I think it's really interesting to find something so designed in a natural environment. I want to think about this and  I just want to start working and thinking already. I'm ready for a place that I can do this in, I don't need to be wasting anymore time being depressed doing work I dread and going to classes I get bad grades in because I only do enough work to get by. I can't stand this super worked feeling of doing these mindless tasks.

I think if I were to be in the situation where I had to produce work I would be confident enough to develop ideas it doesn't even matter if they're "good" or not. I don't care. I don't care if anyone thinks they're good or bad or stupid or underdeveloped because it's my own perception of xyz. I think people need to think about that too, time is wasted on other perceptions instead of your own when no one gives a shit about your work anyway they probably don't even care what its about they care about what they see.. and that final product sometimes doesn't even matter. Blah, I may never even get anywhere at this place and that makes me feel like I'm not moving forward only staying still.  Please let me find my place.

The world is weird. I think about how things are possible sometimes anything is possible if you really want it, I believe that. I've been looking at spiders recently I found one in my shower a daddy long legs and I turned the water on and its legs straightened out it was imprecionante.

I realize that you cannot be happy and make people happy at the same time. It is very weird and confusing to explain. My mom likes to guilt me when I go out since I am only home for a month she would be very happy if I sat in the living room and watched tv all day while she worked in her table/kitchen/ laundry room. I don't know, never mind. 

I don't want to go to New York but at the same time, being alone is healthy for me. 

My head hurts and I wish I cared about little things other people care about, but I don't and that is probably better for me. 

I need to start sleeping at night and being awake before 3pm. My mind isn't clear.