something is wrong

i dont understand myself, i go to art school for 4 years do art love art go to design college hate design still do art finally get to an art college and do design. i am design among the art and art among the design. UGH NOONE UNDERSTANDS ME I JUST WANT TO DIE, MOM. 

FUCK MY WHITE CUBES AND LIGHT SPACE TIME THEORIES AND PHYSICS OF THE WORLD PRESENTATIONS AND REPRESENTATIONS. 

I feel like im just always going to be lost somwhere between the idea of then and now and the people and place around me but theres noone to blame but the naturalness of it all. I love the darling people who talk me through my art/brain insanity, sometimes not understadning but still listening to me and making me feel like somehow i will understand what compels me to do the things i do or think and make the things i think or make. There is nowhere to go but up, it has to go that way. I cant slip and pretend i want to paint because i know thats not true and i think this is true of all things like painting and making pretty things because the day i left  is the day i didnt look back into painting or making personal shit about emotional automatism and people in places that made them walk on the line between  crazy and normal or what is normal?

What I think is that i think i dont know. 

Fuck boston and school. I just want to live as a horticulturalist sometimes but even that will probably make me draw or think about manipulation in nature and be crazy and unsure that it was the right decision. AND what makes me think architecture is right for me... maybe all of this is about architecture?!!?! wahhhhhhhhhhhh whats wrong with me!